"In 2017, Trump is a major dating dealbreaker. Golden showers are not."
- Dating in the 21st Century
"Many people will find that their experiences with this technology become integral to their sexual identity and some will prefer them to direct sexual interactions with humans... There is no question that sexbots are coming. People will form an intense connection with their robot companions."
- Dr. Neil McArthur, an associate professor of philosophy at the University of Manitoba, on the rise of the "digisexuals"
"Of course, these dolls have their limitations – their bodies can’t move independently and they’re cold – but the team behind them, US manufacturer Sinthetics, is currently experimenting with putting heat in the penis to make it feel more real."
- The Sun, on how to keep digisexuals happy.
"America is lost! Must we fall beneath the blow? Or have we resources that may repair the mischiefs?"After this "Basket of Mischiefs" moment, he goes on to describe the colonies as nothing but economic emigres willing to help fill British coffers:
"A people spread over an immense tract of fertile land, industrious because free, and rich because industrious, presently became a market for the Manufacturers and Commerce of the Mother Country."Yup.
"I feel like the idea of being trans-black would be much more accurate than ‘I’m white.’ Because you know, I’m not white."
- Rachel Dolezal is ashamed she's white. I'm ashamed she's white, too.
- New word of the year from Trump!
"I heard poorly rated @Morning_Joe speaks badly of me (don't watch anymore). Then how come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year's Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!"
- Another tweet from Trump
"Please know what your nugget of love is doing after school."
- Police Chief Thomas Nestel's advice to the parents of participants in a flash mob. Nugget of love, the new euphemism for street thug.
How to lure young kids, when candy isn't working:
"At the time of his arrest, police say Maruna was carrying an iPhone, a MAC book, three zip drives, a bottle of Astroglide lubrication, Vaseline lotion, two bottles of Sprite, and chicken Alfredo in a Tupperware container."
"When you go to work each day, you shouldn't have to worry that a pack of rabid animals will suddenly show up at your home and openly threaten your family"
- Philadelphia FOP President John McNesby about the BLM
Where Cate Blanchett keeps her moral compass:
“It’s in my vagina”
"“Why do I feel so much like Sigourney Weaver?” Reports that he then told the crowd to “bow down before your new king and master, Metal Jeff” are unsubstantiated."
- Jeff Bezos piloting a giant robot. I say we take off and nuke Bezos from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.
"As with most things, millennials are largely to blame."
- Why there are now these people called 'kidults'
"Last night we did our part. We stood up to them. We showed them that we were not going to allow them to continue ruining our society. And yes, I got to punch one, which was really, really nice. But we also hoped to help them see the error of their ways. We even helped the fatties kick off a diet, by eating all their pizza."
Choice quotes from "The Conceptual Penis as a Social Construct" - a BS paper accepted and published by a peer-reviewed academic journal:
"There are, however, many examples of persons with penises who will not reproduce, including those who have sustained injury, are unable to coerce a mate..."and
"[Manspreading], seen from the perspective of the (conceptual) penis as a (performative) social construct, is clearly a dominating occupation of physical space, akin to raping the empty space around him..."
"Who will rid me of this troublesome priest?"
- James "Hyperbole" Comey
"When a charismatic former alcoholic named Shaft has his life changed by Burning Man, he realises that he actually identifies as a unicorn. No longer able to face the monotony of work and life in the real world, he decides to form a polyamorous and hedonistic movement with other like-minded unicorns."
- What happens when a snowflake goes to Burning Man. Then things go down hill.
“To go from picking cotton balls to picking footballs and basketballs without freedom is not very much progress.”
- Jesse Jackson about poor, oppressed athletes
"Being no strangers to intense raver and party scenes, most gays have great mastery of chemistry and mixing drinks and candies so that the taste of an underlying drug is concealed.
"These skills are routinely employed on Halloween to make lurid concoctions that will leave 1 out of 5 men waking up groggy and without memories — and sometimes without their costumes — the Sunday after Halloween."
"She was right about the light. It had a interesting smell... she was literally floating around it. I couldn't figure out if the smoke was dancing or not. In fact, I even smelt like the stillness of a grotesque distance. Fear, pure evil."She writes like a cross between "Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test" and Anne Rice. Chances of passing the Turing Test? 0%
apologizing trying to shift blame for allegedly making sexual advances to a 14 year old boy, thirty-one years ago:
"As those closest to me know, in my life I have had relationships with both men and women. I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, and I choose to live as a gay man."
Zackery Quinto's response:
"It is deeply sad and troubling that this is how Kevin Spacey has chosen to come out. Not by standing up as a point of pride — in the light of all his many awards and accomplishments — thus inspiring tens of thousands of struggling LGBTQ kids around the world. But as a calculated manipulation to deflect attention from the very serious accusation that he attempted to molest one."
Milo Yiannopoulos's response:
"I’m gay. I have been very drunk. It never made me want to touch kids. Fuck off, Kevin Spacey."Milo goes further:
"This is why identity politics is so poisonous: it seeks to establish separate rules for separate groups based on perceived, or more often simply imaginary, victimhood. Gay people should be held to the same standards as everyone else."
"[Giordano] concludes by expressing hope that people will soon come to “embrace an irreverent disdain for traditional science and instead practice feminist science,” adding that this is time for a “much needed anti-science, antiracist, feminist approach to knowledge production.”"
- Sara Giordano, a professor at UC-Davis.
"In a statement posted to Twitter Tuesday night, Grassley called on “whoever in DOJ is capable” of appointing a special counsel to do so, noting that "‘whoever’ means if [you] aren’t recused.”"
- Chuck Grassley on the quality of Uranium One investigations.
"Officials in Madagascar have warned residents not to exhume bodies of dead loved ones and dance with them because the bizarre ritual can cause outbreaks of plague. The tradition called Famadihana practised by the Malagasy people involves digging up dead relatives, wrapping them in fresh cloth and dancing with them before putting them back underground. But it has caused concern among health officials at a time when Madagascar is enduring its most lethal outbreak of the plague in years."
"You don't justify the outcome, you reason to the outcome... We always talk about 'E Pluribus Unum,' what's our 'Unum' now?"
- Clarence Thomas
"Allahu Akbar is sometimes said under the most beautiful of circumstances"
- Jake Tapper
Proof of global warming: the snowflakes are melting. Example from Ashley Nicole Black:
"I looked at myself—I'm going to cry even saying this right now—I looked at myself in the mirror, and in that moment, I looked like my grandmother. The first thought I had was that I was glad that she wasn't alive to see that. Then I felt so guilty because of course nothing would ever make me glad my grandmother is not alive. I love her so much, and I wish she was here. But she died when Obama was president, with that hope that the world had moved forward, and black people had moved forward. And she didn't see the huge backlash that came after. In that moment, I was very grateful, and then guilty, and then I went to bed."
"Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me "old," when I would NEVER call him "short and fat?" Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend - and maybe someday that will happen!"
- The Shitposter and Chief
"I’d call their strain “hipster racism”, which typically uses sarcasm as a cover, and in the end, it looks a lot like gaslighting– “It’s just a joke. Why are you overreacting?” is a common response to a lot of these statements... One has to wonder just how many times Dunham has to prove herself a monster before the Beautiful People shun this villain."
- Zinzi Clemmons on Lena Dunham
"We were friends. We continued to be friendly right up until her lawyer called."
- Garrison Keillor, on a person accusing him of sexual harassment
John Kelly on being the parent of a fallen patriot:
"He was doing exactly what he wanted to do when he was killed. He knew what he was getting into by joining that 1%. He knew what the possibilities were because we were at war. And when he died he was surrounded by the best men on this earth, his friends....
"I guess, over time, I had convinced myself that I could imagine what it would be like to lose a son or daughter. You try to imagine it so that you can write the right kind of letters or form the right words to try to comfort. But you can't even come close. It is unimaginable."
"Nothing. I keep other people awake at night"
- James Mattis, when asked what keeps him awake at night.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders lays it down:
"It’s not coldhearted for the President to uphold the law. We are a nation of law and order, and the day that we start to ignore the fact that we are that, then we throw away everything that gives these people a reason to want to come to our country. If we stop becoming the country that we were envisioned to be, then we throw away what makes us special, which makes America unique. This President’s not willing to do that. The previous administration was, this one isn’t."
Have we reached peak SJW? Nope...
"It was everything good about humanity. But when witnessing the act and the fawning over the bunny rescue, I can’t help juxtaposing the feelings expressed about this bunny with the feelings generally expressed when black people are in grave danger."
"Coldilocks was treated to a frozen confection made of peanut butter, fish, carrots, raisin and bear chow. Not exactly an ice cream cake, but she seemed to enjoy it."
"Naked under a robe"
- Somebody who accused Trump of inappropriate behavior. Everybody knows Trump has x-ray vision, right?
"704 pounds of free Dunkin’ Donuts coffee."
- The going price for a Massachusetts state senator.
"Trump made me order the meatloaf"
- Chris Christie's newest excuse for going off diet!
"Donald Trump is making me gain weight. I start the day with liquids, but after the morning news, I eat pancakes smothered in maple syrup!"
- Barbra Streisand, joining Chris Christie.